I have officially met my match in the kitchen, and its name is Pea and Carrot Porridge. (Only scroll to the bottom and see the images if you’ve got a strong stomach – this is not for the weak.)

So I made Alyssa’s grandma’s recipe — yes, the one with the popover stuffed with carrot cream floating in a bowl of green pea sludge. And listen… I tried. I really tried. I followed the handwritten attachment, which looked like a cross between a family heirloom and a ransom note. I even measured things in “glugs” and “baby smiles,” because apparently that’s how Grandma rolled.

But the moment that popover deflated like a sad balloon animal and the carrot filling oozed out like melted sidewalk chalk, I knew I was in trouble. The pea soup tasted like it held a grudge. The carrot cream tasted like it wanted to apologize but didn’t know how.

And Alyssa, sweetie… if this was your comfort food, I have questions. Deep ones. About your childhood. And your palate. And whether Grandma was secretly mad at you.

I should absolutely cut my losses and never take another fan recipe suggestion again.
But honestly? I want MORE. Because nothing — and I mean NOTHING — could possibly be as bad as this putrid Pea and Carrot Porridge.

Send me your worst. I dare you.

— Riley